| This knife just keeps on stabbing into me more and more.... |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|09:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Life has changed so much since I last updated.
Mitch and I broke up in September.
Which left me heart broken for 4 months or so.
I have returned to bad habits.
I feel like a complete failure at life.
I really don't know what to do in life,
the life I am living feels so wrong
yet I don't know where to go or what to do.
I just want to run away from all the problems in the world.
I really like Elden.
He makes me so happy
but i never get to talk to him
which isnt his fault.
I have come to grips that I lied.
I have lied to much but
I think that I am still inlove with him
but he has a new gf
I just hurt so much
have lost myself in the world
and just need God to find me |
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| I love these sounds coming from the sky... the roar of thunder |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|07:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
So yesterday was quite the amazing day....
I awake at 7 got ready and atttended church with Mitchell at 8:30... I really enjoy going to church with him. We stayed there for a while talking to some people and then went to Caribu. Were we got some drinks and talked and played chinese checkers and mancala.
We then we to this park maybe called Newton park and we talked and took pictures. I really enjoyed that. Then we went to my house I believe and we played Super MOnkey Ball 2 and talked and hung around.
We went to dinner at Panda Express. Then at 5:27 we took a train to Chicago. After the train ride Felber picked us up and took us to DePaul for a show. The show was really cool. Justice a band from Belguim (SP) played and they were really good. Expired Youth played... some others then Mental. They were really good.
After the show Felber drove us to the train station in Glen Ellyn because we would have missed the 11:40 train. Mitch then drove me home. It was a grand day.
Today I have just slept all day and I am now going to go retire to my bed and sleep some more. |
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| Sleeping isnt the same these days |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|10:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
So yesterday I was quite lazy but after I got up I went to 711 and got Mitchell a slurpee and then dropped that and some other stuff off at his work. I got to stay and talk to him for a little I really liked that. Then I went to the bank.
After that I picked up Caitlyn and we went to the mall and got Caribu and Panda. I missed her and it was nice to catch up wi th her. Then we picked up Jessie and went to Susannes. It was crazy because I haven't seen any of them in SOOOO long. I enjoyed it.
After some confusing stuff I went home and my dad took me to Skin Gallery and Piercings in Downers Grove and
I GOT MY NOSE PIERCED :)!!! It was intense and an adrenalin rush i loved it.
Then me and my daddy went to see the bandits play. I really enjoyed it. I saw some other girls I use to play softball with. To go all the way to professional softball... that would be so sweet and intense.
After that I went to Susannes and saw a billion people
Today I aint sure what I am doing during the day but tonight I am going to Mitch's concert... I am excited to see him |
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| Many times we shared our thoughts........ |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|12:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Cash | ] |
So today didn't start off great... brothers woke me up every 5 mins.... and then I decided to lay in the sun for a little bit... after 45 mins outside decided to come back inside and i was in the pool for a good portion of that 45 mins.... after a bunch of things i realized i got MASSIVE sun burn... im in alot of pain,....
Mitch came over and we went to dinner at IHOP... then we played Monkey Ball (SUper MOnkey Ball 2(I was too lazy to delete)) and read the book.....
I am so happy when mitch is over then when he leaves I realize the lousy feeling I am having from not being at lab... this sucks
I see my head doctor tomorrow... great....
I hate how I get so jealous and paranoid so much....
I really need God's help right now |
|
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| I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|12:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hurt- Johnny Cash | ] |
So I haven't updated in ever... oh wells
I went to Cornerstone... it was soooo much fun.. it was basically
Wake up at 8 or 9 and eat breakfast then wake up Mitch and Trevor. Then we all went to the Underground Bible study. After that I possibly went to the merch tents, a concert, walk, or ended up going back to Mitch and Trevor's camp and taking a nap with Mitch. I would attend some more shows then eventually have dinner at 6. Then go back out and see more shows then go back to Mitch's camp and fall asleep with him. I would then wake up at 3AM or so and walk back to my camp where I would go to bed again. I did this pretty much every day it rocked!!
I also am done with softball : / ..... I went to Wisconsin last weekend for softball. IT WAS SOO MUCH FUN. I ended up playing 4 games on Friday after a 3 hour drive to Wisconsin and then 2 games Saturday. I am gonna miss my girlies. I ended up kleting a girl in the face in one of the games it was crazy but it was all because we were in Wisconsin.... i'll put up pictures later
Mitch and I started this bible study thingy... we are reading this book called Mere Christianity... I really enjoy it ALOT.
Cornerstone has renewed my faith and given me another reason to be who I am... made me realize alot of things.
Saturday was alot of fun. After I got home and Mitch was off of work we stopped at his house where he changed and we picked up Darryl. Then we went to Mike's house where the band was recording. Then we took Trevor and went to his house were we just sat in his room and played Monkey Balls.. his little brother John joined us too... then we went to Darryl's and watched the Night of the Living Dead. Then Mitch came to my house and he gave me a back massage it was swell
Yesterday was nice as well. I went out to Mitch's and Justin came over and talked for a little. then Mitch and I went to this park thingy and he took pictures.. it was really relaxing and nice... I wish I brought my camera with.. oh wells... we finished the movie and read out of the book. It was nice
Today I bought Crazy Taxi and Super Monkey Balls 2 it is sweet! I made dinner for Mitchell and then he came over. We played Super MonKey balls 2 and talked. Then we went to Krispy Kreams and got some drinks and donuts... we sang in the car to eachother it was sweet!! then returned to my house and had a tickle war along with reading of the book... I love him
So Lab started today... it's a little bit depressing that i am not there right now. There are some people I was really looking forward to seeing... meeting... talking to... and the atmosphere there is like no other... Advanced year is suppose to be the best year too... and that is the level I was in... I haven't seen most of the people for over a year... I was told the last day that half the people don't come back next year and I made a promise to C-Unit that I wouldn't be one of thoes people and everyone else promised that... and now look at me I aint there.. I kinda feel lousy.. quite lousy.... |
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| Don't fuck with my heart..... |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|04:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dizzy | ] |
Wow life is so confusing.... well last night must have been one of the bet nights of my life...
I have realized I need to be straight forward with people
I need to stop hiding
Stop lying
And I am going to start telling the truth and not lying
Some things from my past have been bugging me and pressuring me and I am trying so hard not to give in....
I have decided I am going to stop hiding it
On a side note
Saturday night I went swimming with Mitchell and I ended up burning my arm really bad on my pool heater... yet i managed to play softball the next morning.. as catcher.... i got a burn on my palm too... heres a picture of my arm...
Aint that fun....
14 days till Cornerstone |
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| She visits you in your sleep but that newspaper gown is always on fire |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Straylight Run- Existentialism On Prom Night | ] |
So life has been really good lately...
1. School over... don't mention Finals or Final Class Grades
2. Mitch and my relationship is wonderful... yesterday was our 8months since we started dating again.. :)
3. I am hanging out with soem people i have missed ALOT
4. Softball started up again its CRAZY and I have it every night cept Monday and Thursday and 3 games every Saturdays and possibly 3 or 4 games every Sunday
5. Softball = Exercise!
6. I've been getting in a billion hours at work
7. Works going pretty good
8. I feel some what less stressed
9. Cornerstone in 20 days and Walters is leading it!! HECK YESH!!!
10. I have klet marks in my leg from this girl last night its tight!
Today I have a hardcore practice for softball involving alot of running and sliding im gonna get ripped up like no other... but it should be fun
Friday game in Oaklawn (the Oaklawn Tourney) at 4:00 PM... then hopefully Mitch's concert in Elk Grove
Saturday in Oaklawn games at 11:00Am, 2:00PM, 3:30 PM and then hopefully hang with Mitch
Sunday depending on how we play Friday and Saturday gives us our time on Sunday and if we win we continue to play. Mitch's graduation party hopefully.
Monday Free day with work at 7-11
when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming
there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we're keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing
sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this
sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would....
sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us
sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this
sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would....
sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything |
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| I'm all out of faith this is how I feel... im cold and im ashamed lying naked on the floor.... |
[May. 25th, 2005|05:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Unseen | ] |
How I have neglected this journal... well I have been really busy for softball, school, work, and so much more
Softball we won conference 10-0
School finals next week grades are eh cept math AHHH stress me out like no other
Work I am inlove with and Marisa works with me now and I have met alot of new cool people I love it!
Some Plans for Summer
1. Softball
2. Cornerstone
3. Softball
4. go to wisconsin with softball
5. Leadership Lab
6. OH yeah and work!
Goals for Summer
1. Lose mega amount of pounds
2. get a tan ha ha
3. renite with old friends
4. Go to chicago alot and the lake
5. Met up with Labbers no including lab
6. Read some books
7. Redecorate my sisters room *cuz i get it when she gone*
8. pimp my car ha ha
9. strengthen relationships
10. hang out with everyone in my year book that said we should hang out and i wrote in their yearbook
Some things going on within next two weeks
Work
Saturday 10-4
Sunday 10-2
Tuesday 7-11
Mitch concert Friday
Softball awards night was last night tomorrow night choir awards night
Mitch's graduation June 2
Brittany's graduation June 3
Finals!!!! |
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| I Just want to be alone........ |
[May. 12th, 2005|08:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Not much to say but I am losing it.... Me thinking that everything was going to be okay and everything was over and im done with it... it comes back. This week has been a repeat of the last 3 years of my life that i have been trying to erase. I don't know how much I will be able to handle. |
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| And I will meet you.... and I will meet you... and I will meet you... there..... |
[May. 1st, 2005|09:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tiger ARmy- Fog Surrounds | ] |
Thursday I slept and didn't go to school. I hung out with Josh and stuff. Did a bunch of nothing. Then 7 came around and I was at work till 10:45 it was sweet stuff!
Friday i went to school then came home and got ready for Chicago. Mitch came over and we drove to Chicago where we went to the Metro and say 12 Step Rebels, The Unseen, and TIGER ARMY!!! It was amazing!!! There were so many kids with mohawks and pin spikes etc etc it was cool. I saw Austin and PETER there :)! THe concert was beyound amazing and I am in love with TIGER ARMY!!! we then went to McDonalds then drove to my house. layed around my house a little then mitch tucked me into bed :) that's the best thing in the world
Saturday I had two games 10 and 12. I didn't play the first game but played the second. We lost the first game but won the second it was tight. Then I went to work and worked with this girl Emily who I auditioned with she is realyl nice. Then at 4 she left and I worked with this other girl I forget her name :( but she was really cool. We worked to 7. I saw Sara and her friend Mike it was SWEET! Well Mitch came to work at 7 to pick me up. And we got ice cream :)!
We drove to my house to drop Mitch's car off and went to Marisa's suprise party it was cool to see everyone. We left like a half hour hour later. Then watched Space Balls at my house and meet the Fokers.. or what ever its called i fell asleep during space balls and was talkin in my sleep. Nice job.. lol
Today I am going to do chores homework and clean my room then Mitch is going to come over :)!
Have a nice day love you all!!! |
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| Light up light up as if you have a choice even if you cannot hear my voice ill be right beside you.. |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|01:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enya- Only time | ] |
Saturday I went to Justin, Bill, Ryan, Nick, and Joe's concert it was a sweet deal! Then I went to work which was alright.. after that I went to Susanne's where Nick, Justin, Bill, Ryan, Joe, Brad, Seth, Jason, Caitlyn, Jessie, Susanne, Marisa, Jamie, and Janell. We all hung out then Nick, Seth, Brad, Joe, and Justin got into my car and we went to see Real Estate or something like that at the house they had played that morning... then I watched Saw it was good stuff.
Sunday I went to church came home and had a break down and went to Susanne's to talk to her and Caitlyn. I love them they helped me out alot. Then Mitch came over and we hung out and talked I enjoyed seeing him. Then I went to Caitlyn's where Nick, Jason, Justin, Kevin, Joe, Ryan, Caitlyn, Marisa, Susanne, all were. We had a bonfire it was a sweet deal.
Monday I went to school then had softball practice. Nothing special that I remember. Oh yes after softball I went to Culvers with Jason, Joe, Nick, Ryan, Marisa, Caitlyn, Justin. It was stellar.
Tuesday I went to school then had a home softball game. Jason, Joe, Justin, Ryan, Marisa, Caitlyn, and Susanne... came to my game that made me so happy. and I hit the last hit gettin in 2 or 3 runs winning the game by slayter it was sweet! Then drove around with Justin and Jason then Mitch came over :)! He made grilled cheese with me and then we talked and watched Ever After :)... I fell asleep on him though and woke up randomly it was so nice to wake up to his face
Today aka Wednesday I woke up at 10 made muffins and took a shower and went to school... then softball was after school and that was alright. Mitch came to my game :) that made me really happy and my dad showed up... that was really nice too. Then Mitch came over and we made Pancakes and hung out in my room then went to Bakers Square with Zainub, Marie, Stephine, and Sara. It was good stuff and good pie! Then Mitch and I came back and watched Mr. Magoo.. grand movie I kinda slept again but it was good. |
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| Hands on the bible.... scared like a child..... God holds you liable..... for what you've done.... |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|08:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hands on the bible | ] |
So what has gone on since Sunday
Sunday I worked on homework baked muffins and cookies for Mitch.. worked 1-4 which went pretty well then picked up Mitch and I hung out with him and we ended up going to Trevors it was cool.
Monday
I had school then softball practice and I worked on homework ALOT and slept.
Tuesday I had school and i went in late because i wanted to finish my really good dream... then First Confrence Game for softball against Batavia in Batavia which we won :) and I caught and played 3rd! Then Came home tired and did some stuff then slept
Wednesday I went to school then softball practice then Mitchell came over and we went to Wheaton College to see my cousin Jon play with his band. I saw my aunt and uncle and other cousin Daniel too it was really nice. They did a really good job along with the Folding or something.
Today I went to school then we had a game and I caught the whole game and had some good hits. Mitch went to the game :) that made me nervious but oh so happy I love that boy so much! We then came to my house I took a shower etc. And we had dinner talked hung in my room then went to coldstone and got ice cream and all.
Now I must go for I must write stupid modern issues paper *shakes fists*
I work at Coldstone Saturday 2-7 so you should go! |
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| I hate everything about you why do I love you! |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|09:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 3 day grace | ] |
So choir we have been going to grade schools with men's choir and they sing and we sing and dance. It's nice to miss school :)!
Softball's going alright I got hit in the eye and knee cap today so I am in a little pain
Mitch left Friday for his dad's house I am a little lonely
I hung out with Nick, Bill, Joe, Kevin, Justin, Ryan, Susanne, Jessie, Marisa, and the lovely Caitlyn for the past two nights it has ROCKED! We had like a drag party tonight it rocked!
Tomorrow I work at COLDSTONE 1-4 in downtown GLen Ellyn and then pick Mitch up from the train station :)! I miss him
well i'm out |
|
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| Time square can't shine as bright as you.... |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|05:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hey there Delilah- Plain White T's | ] |
So I did something kinda of really stupid last night and I'm really sorry...
Mitch I love you and I hope you can forgive me
( Hey there Delilah )
Adorable precious one, you are the very breath of me. This day is blank with emptiness becase I cannot see you. I can only soothe my aching heart reading poems of love. Here are words that might have rushed to you, loved one, out of my own heart:
Come to me in my dreams, and then by day
I shall be well again,
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless, hopeless long of the day,
The hopeless, hopeless longing of the day. |
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| I lie awake and dream that the fog rolls in my mind..... |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|10:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fog Surrounds- Tiger Army | ] |
Monday
-School
-softball
-homework
Tuesday
-jail tour and went to some courts
-softball game.. we lost
-Mitch came over till 10:30 and we went on a walk and talked :)
Wednesday
-school
-make up quiz
-softball game... we lost
-work ... we watched some movies and got a tour
-talked to mitch on the phone
Thursday
-school
-softball game we won!
-homework
Tomorrow is Mitch and my 6 month anniversary thingy! How exciting! it would be longer but i made a mistake but things all goody now! He said he is going to make dinner for me... what a cutey |
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| Well you're my friend and can you see.... |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I see a darkness - Johnny cash | ] |
So yesterday I went out with Shan and we got Jamba and then mitch came over later that night. And I got the call i got the job at Coldstone I start Wednesday 7-10 PM shift. And i got 50% discount aint that nice.
Today I went to church with Mitch, Caribu, park, lake ellyn, all with Mitch. Then went to dinner and Jamba with Diana... then Emily's to talk for an hour.
Alot has been on my mind lately and been keeping it all it. It's been tearing me apart... listening to Johnny Cash what a great man. I aint looking forward to school tomorrow it's kinda depressing I am going to be so stressed with school, softball, starting work, relationships, family, me time, and so much more.
Oh what I would give just to be able to lay in his arms for the rest of my life. To go to sleep while staring into his eyes... every night then waking to his face. I would give the world just to do that... i'd do anything just to fall asleep in his arms for the rest of my life... I want my home to be with him by me... the only place I feel safe any more is in his arms.. |
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| Just say that you love her ... it's over and she's gone.... |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|08:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hawthorne Heights | ] |
If we could meet, (and even if we have) but we could only have 24 hours together, just one day out of our whole lives, what would you like to spend those 24 hours doing? Comment and let me know, then post this in your journal to find out just what others would like to do with you |
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