Can't you see I am a bloody mess at your feet?

Can't you see I am a bloody mess at your feet?

bleedingxheart7

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I will never make it better It will always hurt you fuckin asshole...

[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:01 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

depressed

]

Truthfully I dont want to be here anymore
I dont want to be alone anymore

I just have been reading Mitch's live journal from last year
and i cant stop crying

I fuckan hate being so alone

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This knife just keeps on stabbing into me more and more....

[Jan. 19th, 2006|09:04 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

depressed

]

Life has changed so much since I last updated.

Mitch and I broke up in September.
Which left me heart broken for 4 months or so.

I have returned to bad habits.

I feel like a complete failure at life.

I really don't know what to do in life,
the life I am living feels so wrong
yet I don't know where to go or what to do.

I just want to run away from all the problems in the world.

I really like Elden.
He makes me so happy
but i never get to talk to him
which isnt his fault.

I have come to grips that I lied.
I have lied to much but
I think that I am still inlove with him
but he has a new gf

I just hurt so much
have lost myself in the world
and just need God to find me

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I love these sounds coming from the sky... the roar of thunder

[Jul. 25th, 2005|07:57 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

tired

]

So yesterday was quite the amazing day....

I awake at 7 got ready and atttended church with Mitchell at 8:30... I really enjoy going to church with him. We stayed there for a while talking to some people and then went to Caribu. Were we got some drinks and talked and played chinese checkers and mancala.

We then we to this park maybe called Newton park and we talked and took pictures. I really enjoyed that. Then we went to my house I believe and we played Super MOnkey Ball 2 and talked and hung around.

We went to dinner at Panda Express. Then at 5:27 we took a train to Chicago. After the train ride Felber picked us up and took us to DePaul for a show. The show was really cool. Justice a band from Belguim (SP) played and they were really good. Expired Youth played... some others then Mental. They were really good.

After the show Felber drove us to the train station in Glen Ellyn because we would have missed the 11:40 train. Mitch then drove me home. It was a grand day.

Today I have just slept all day and I am now going to go retire to my bed and sleep some more.

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Sleeping isnt the same these days

[Jul. 22nd, 2005|10:43 am]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

tired

]

So yesterday I was quite lazy but after I got up I went to 711 and got Mitchell a slurpee and then dropped that and some other stuff off at his work. I got to stay and talk to him for a little I really liked that. Then I went to the bank.

After that I picked up Caitlyn and we went to the mall and got Caribu and Panda. I missed her and it was nice to catch up wi th her. Then we picked up Jessie and went to Susannes. It was crazy because I haven't seen any of them in SOOOO long. I enjoyed it.

After some confusing stuff I went home and my dad took me to Skin Gallery and Piercings in Downers Grove and

I GOT MY NOSE PIERCED :)!!! It was intense and an adrenalin rush i loved it.

Then me and my daddy went to see the bandits play. I really enjoyed it. I saw some other girls I use to play softball with. To go all the way to professional softball... that would be so sweet and intense.

After that I went to Susannes and saw a billion people

Today I aint sure what I am doing during the day but tonight I am going to Mitch's concert... I am excited to see him

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Many times we shared our thoughts........

[Jul. 20th, 2005|12:24 am]

bleedingxheart7

[	mood	\|	depressed	]
[	music	\|	Johnny Cash	]

So today didn't start off great... brothers woke me up every 5 mins.... and then I decided to lay in the sun for a little bit... after 45 mins outside decided to come back inside and i was in the pool for a good portion of that 45 mins.... after a bunch of things i realized i got MASSIVE sun burn... im in alot of pain,....

Mitch came over and we went to dinner at IHOP... then we played Monkey Ball (SUper MOnkey Ball 2(I was too lazy to delete)) and read the book.....

I am so happy when mitch is over then when he leaves I realize the lousy feeling I am having from not being at lab... this sucks

I see my head doctor tomorrow... great....

I hate how I get so jealous and paranoid so much....

I really need God's help right now

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I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real

[Jul. 19th, 2005|12:43 am]

bleedingxheart7

[	mood	\|	restless	]
[	music	\|	Hurt- Johnny Cash	]

So I haven't updated in ever... oh wells

I went to Cornerstone... it was soooo much fun.. it was basically

Wake up at 8 or 9 and eat breakfast then wake up Mitch and Trevor. Then we all went to the Underground Bible study. After that I possibly went to the merch tents, a concert, walk, or ended up going back to Mitch and Trevor's camp and taking a nap with Mitch. I would attend some more shows then eventually have dinner at 6. Then go back out and see more shows then go back to Mitch's camp and fall asleep with him. I would then wake up at 3AM or so and walk back to my camp where I would go to bed again. I did this pretty much every day it rocked!!

I also am done with softball : / ..... I went to Wisconsin last weekend for softball. IT WAS SOO MUCH FUN. I ended up playing 4 games on Friday after a 3 hour drive to Wisconsin and then 2 games Saturday. I am gonna miss my girlies. I ended up kleting a girl in the face in one of the games it was crazy but it was all because we were in Wisconsin.... i'll put up pictures later

Mitch and I started this bible study thingy... we are reading this book called Mere Christianity... I really enjoy it ALOT.

Cornerstone has renewed my faith and given me another reason to be who I am... made me realize alot of things.

Saturday was alot of fun. After I got home and Mitch was off of work we stopped at his house where he changed and we picked up Darryl. Then we went to Mike's house where the band was recording. Then we took Trevor and went to his house were we just sat in his room and played Monkey Balls.. his little brother John joined us too... then we went to Darryl's and watched the Night of the Living Dead. Then Mitch came to my house and he gave me a back massage it was swell

Yesterday was nice as well. I went out to Mitch's and Justin came over and talked for a little. then Mitch and I went to this park thingy and he took pictures.. it was really relaxing and nice... I wish I brought my camera with.. oh wells... we finished the movie and read out of the book. It was nice

Today I bought Crazy Taxi and Super Monkey Balls 2 it is sweet! I made dinner for Mitchell and then he came over. We played Super MonKey balls 2 and talked. Then we went to Krispy Kreams and got some drinks and donuts... we sang in the car to eachother it was sweet!! then returned to my house and had a tickle war along with reading of the book... I love him

So Lab started today... it's a little bit depressing that i am not there right now. There are some people I was really looking forward to seeing... meeting... talking to... and the atmosphere there is like no other... Advanced year is suppose to be the best year too... and that is the level I was in... I haven't seen most of the people for over a year... I was told the last day that half the people don't come back next year and I made a promise to C-Unit that I wouldn't be one of thoes people and everyone else promised that... and now look at me I aint there.. I kinda feel lousy.. quite lousy....

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Don't fuck with my heart.....

[Jun. 15th, 2005|04:35 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

dizzy

]

Wow life is so confusing.... well last night must have been one of the bet nights of my life...

I have realized I need to be straight forward with people

I need to stop hiding

Stop lying

And I am going to start telling the truth and not lying

Some things from my past have been bugging me and pressuring me and I am trying so hard not to give in....

I have decided I am going to stop hiding it

On a side note

Saturday night I went swimming with Mitchell and I ended up burning my arm really bad on my pool heater... yet i managed to play softball the next morning.. as catcher.... i got a burn on my palm too... heres a picture of my arm...

Aint that fun....

14 days till Cornerstone

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She visits you in your sleep but that newspaper gown is always on fire

[Jun. 9th, 2005|03:41 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[	mood	\|	content	]
[	music	\|	Straylight Run- Existentialism On Prom Night	]

So life has been really good lately...

1. School over... don't mention Finals or Final Class Grades
2. Mitch and my relationship is wonderful... yesterday was our 8months since we started dating again.. :)
3. I am hanging out with soem people i have missed ALOT
4. Softball started up again its CRAZY and I have it every night cept Monday and Thursday and 3 games every Saturdays and possibly 3 or 4 games every Sunday
5. Softball = Exercise!
6. I've been getting in a billion hours at work
7. Works going pretty good
8. I feel some what less stressed
9. Cornerstone in 20 days and Walters is leading it!! HECK YESH!!!
10. I have klet marks in my leg from this girl last night its tight!

Today I have a hardcore practice for softball involving alot of running and sliding im gonna get ripped up like no other... but it should be fun

Friday game in Oaklawn (the Oaklawn Tourney) at 4:00 PM... then hopefully Mitch's concert in Elk Grove

Saturday in Oaklawn games at 11:00Am, 2:00PM, 3:30 PM and then hopefully hang with Mitch

Sunday depending on how we play Friday and Saturday gives us our time on Sunday and if we win we continue to play. Mitch's graduation party hopefully.

Monday Free day with work at 7-11

when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming

there are moments when i know it
and the world revolves around us
and we're keeping it
keeping it all going
this delicate balance
vulnerable
all knowing

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would....

sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything
we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out right in front of us

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this

sing like you think no one's listening
you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would....

sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything

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I'm all out of faith this is how I feel... im cold and im ashamed lying naked on the floor....

[May. 25th, 2005|05:04 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[	mood	\|	stressed	]
[	music	\|	The Unseen	]

How I have neglected this journal... well I have been really busy for softball, school, work, and so much more

Softball we won conference 10-0

School finals next week grades are eh cept math AHHH stress me out like no other

Work I am inlove with and Marisa works with me now and I have met alot of new cool people I love it!

Some Plans for Summer

1. Softball

2. Cornerstone

3. Softball

4. go to wisconsin with softball

5. Leadership Lab

6. OH yeah and work!

Goals for Summer

1. Lose mega amount of pounds

2. get a tan ha ha

3. renite with old friends

4. Go to chicago alot and the lake

5. Met up with Labbers no including lab

6. Read some books

7. Redecorate my sisters room *cuz i get it when she gone*

8. pimp my car ha ha

9. strengthen relationships

10. hang out with everyone in my year book that said we should hang out and i wrote in their yearbook

Some things going on within next two weeks

Work
Saturday 10-4
Sunday 10-2
Tuesday 7-11

Mitch concert Friday

Softball awards night was last night tomorrow night choir awards night

Mitch's graduation June 2
Brittany's graduation June 3

Finals!!!!

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I Just want to be alone........

[May. 12th, 2005|08:26 pm]

bleedingxheart7

[

mood

depressed

]

Not much to say but I am losing it.... Me thinking that everything was going to be okay and everything was over and im done with it... it comes back. This week has been a repeat of the last 3 years of my life that i have been trying to erase. I don't know how much I will be able to handle.

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